As the end of the year approaches quickly, it’s always a time of reflection. We have our eyes set on the New Year and ready for change. I am with all of you, feeling a bit tired of all the craziness 2019 brought, but empowered to get 2020 off to a great start. We all learn a little more every year, and I know this year has been a huge one for me. So I write this blog for all my friends who put in some heart work this year and anyone else that just wants a glimpse.
-Revealing old wounds can often lead to revelation
This year has been an uncomfortable year of growth for me. I have learned so much about who I was, who I am and who I want to be. I’ve also had to unlearn a lot of thoughts and behaviors that started back from my earliest memories, which I never even thought effected my adulthood. As the digging began, things became clearer and I started to understand myself better. We always hear the saying of being the best you, but in order to be the best you, it really helps to understand who you were, who you are and why.
This was not a painless process. It took some serious work, vulnerability, open mindedness and willingness to grow. I’m not at all perfect, but I can say that facing these demons and wounds has allowed me to truly be who I feel God has made me to be, the definition of being unapologetically me. Going back in time and reflecting on certain life moments that sparked something in me, whether positive or negative. Moments that brought joy and moments that brought confusion or pain. I had to face them in order to break away from what I never knew was trapping me to begin with.
I spent years of my life trying to fit in with those that I admired or looked up to. Words spoken to me, actions done, all of what I had forgiven or thought I did at least. The words and actions or lack thereof unknowingly placed me in a box. A box I don’t belong in, I never did. And none of us do. So many of us, especially now in the age of social media, compare our lives to others. We want the things we don’t have. We wish for things to be different. We think to ourselves that if only I had what he or she had, my life would be better. Or if only I had that missing piece, then maybe I’d fit in. But the reality is, it shouldn’t matter what we have or don’t have, the places where we belong are the places where we don’t have to bring the missing piece to the table. And for once, I’m 100% okay with not fitting in. God didn’t make me to fit in. He made me to be courageous, to be different, and to be real.
-Standards over expectations
We can’t expect everyone to understand or want to understand. Sometimes it doesn’t matter what you do, some people are just simply not meant to grow with you. A different version of you can scare them, and it will feel like you are being judged. And maybe they are judging you, but if they are, it’s because they just don’t get it. It’s not our job to make everyone understand or to prove ourselves to people. Eventually, you’ll start to realize, as I have, that it has nothing to do with me. The internal struggles of everyone are all different, whether they like to admit a struggle at all or not.
Something I feel I constantly wrestle with, is how to handle disappointments, especially when you have certain expectations. Sometimes I expect people to treat me or anyone the way I would treat them. Or I expect someone to care because I have cared for them. I put extremely high expectations on people without realizing it, and then when things crash, the disappointment haunts me. After so many letdowns, it made me question what was wrong with me, what was I doing wrong, how can someone do or say something like that, whatever it may be. My focus has now changed to standards. Having expectations is not a bad thing, but we have to be careful not to put them over our standards. Placing our life standards first, allows us to recognize when something or someone just isn’t a good fit for us in our life or in a certain place in our life. It removes the pain of disappointment or failure, and replaces it with acceptance and peace.
–My heart is worth the fight.
6 years ago when I was still married and trying to make my marriage survive, my friendships looked very different. I didn’t really have any, aside from my family. After all the years of wanting to fit in with my siblings, I found myself in the exact place that set me apart from them. I was nearing the stages of being the only divorced, single parent of 1 in my family. My heart had never been so broken before, not just from the pain of the marriage I left or the grueling process of divorce, but from all the change I didn’t see coming. My divorce hit, and everything and I mean everything changed. I struggled with understanding why. No fault to anyone, but things were just different. I longed for acceptance, friendships, family, community, support, and understanding. In the midst of the confusion and frustration behind the losses, without expectation of much, God gave me some seriously amazing friends. These friends have included us into their lives no matter how different or alike we are. These friends are my emergency calls, my prayer warriors, my supporters, my encouragers, and most of all, my family. What I thought my heart lost forever, soon after, I gained more family then I ever thought I would have. I will forever be grateful for these people of mine. The ones that never left, the new ones that never judged and the old ones that left behind a lesson. I now have the understanding that some people are placed in your life to teach you how to fight for yourself, your worth, your heart and your identity.
In a world that is unfortunately filled with a lot of division, exclusion and even hate, I want my son to learn to love all people no matter what. My life experiences have transformed my heart into one that wants all people to feel accepted, to feel loved, and to be okay being real. I want people around me to feel like it is okay to be who they are. I want people to feel at home when they are in my home. We have all been judged and we have all judged others, but I wish we’d leave the judging up to God as it was intended. I know it’s not an easy thing, and I know I’ll have to check myself from time to time. It’s easy to judge, it’s harder to love. I still have a lot of work to do in my life, there’s new challenges I will face, new joys for me to experience, new lessons to be learned. But I hope I never forget the year of 2019 to be the year I got my heart back.
-marielis, ready to take on 2020
Marielis Unedited 