marielisunedited

Breaking Boxes, Believing Miracles

I really didn’t expect things to go so well. If you read my last post, you may have read about my frustrations with so much of my adult life. The struggles, always having questions, doubts, worries of what I was doing, what I should do. There’s still so much that doesn’t necessarily make sense to me, but I’m thankful for a new and fresh perspective. It’s such an amazing place to be when things are going well enough that even when you get hit with some curve balls, you still have some sense of peace.

It was about a year ago, that I broke the news to some of my trusted people about my thoughts on moving. I didn’t share it with many people, which for me was out of my norm because I tend to be an open book. I felt like God wanted me to keep this desire, this plan, safe with Him. I shared it with one of my church leaders and friends. I was scared, nervous, but instantly had prayer warriors lifting us up. They say that the closer you get to God, sometimes the stronger the enemy attacks. And boy did he attack.

As a single mom, finances can already be a struggle. But then adding in the continuous effects of inflation and increase in costs for literally everything, it can cause a strain for anyone. Then, my sons’ father was out of a job again, so child support stopped, again. Then, my car needed a pretty big repair. I grew angry, why is this happening, and why now. Again, keeping things kind of quiet, I shared with my few trusted circle. I almost felt like I was an annoyance at this point. The child support stopping wasn’t a new situation, car stuff happens to all of us. But why now? This was the worst time for a bump in the road like this.

I wasn’t sure how to take this struggle, other than do what I could that was in my control, and hope for God to get us through the rest. I stayed in prayer, stayed consistent in my tithing, for once felt like my trust level with God was at an all-time high. I had gotten through worse financial situations before, I will make it through again. Then the miracles poured in. When I got the car estimates for my car, I cried at the amount, knowing this was completely out of my budget. But proceeded anyway, not really having much choice, right?! The day my car was ready for pick up, I received a call from the shop. They found a discount I qualified for, which dropped the repairs by $1k! Then my repairs and even more got covered by a person so dear to me that felt led to help me. I can’t tell you how many times I randomly got or found money. Random refunds for things I don’t even remember showed up.

As other things started to settle with these plans, one part missing was our new residence. Looking for a new place to live is a challenge in itself, but when you don’t live there yet, it definitely creates some complexities. I searched for months, doing virtual tours, face time tours, asking for people’s opinions in the area. I was getting close to moving out of my house to our temporary location, not having any idea where we were actually moving to. And then, all of a sudden, my locator did one last search and found a property that had everything I was asking for, for a price I could afford. God knew I needed this to happen, but when He said when. So, when we finished packing up our home in San Antonio, boxes sky high in storage and at my parents’ house, I could close that door and leave the empty house behind. The same house I went through marriage in, brought home a baby, got a divorce, graduated college, the only house my son has ever known of ours in 12 years. I never thought we’d be moving away like this. This wasn’t the way I saw it in my plans, but somehow, for some reason God knew it needed to be this way.

There’s something emotional with boxes that happens inside of us. Whether it’s opening or closing a box. I cannot tell you how many floods of emotions came over me as we boxed up our house. Mourning and surrendering things I held onto because they had once been a part of my plans. The relief and freedom in getting rid of the extra “stuff” that no longer served us. Then fast forward to unpacking boxes and recognizing the reality of this new chapter. The trial and error of figuring out where to put things, where to go, who to talk to, and how to make a new life here.

If you could see me now, you’d see that I’m sitting alone, quietly at a Panera, writing my latest blog. You’d see that even though I don’t know anyone in this little city, I still feel so surrounded by Gods presence. You’d see that even though bumps in the road have come, I still trust in God’s plan. I still have boxes I haven’t unpacked, not knowing if I should even unpack them or not. I still have questions and tons of unknowns. I still have my days of tears, bouts of anxieties and fears, but they are always followed by a reminder of God’s grace. A friend will randomly text me a scripture or an encouraging word, a certain song will play, a quiet whisper, a kind stranger, a blessing I didn’t see comes to light.

Within the last year, although things didn’t go perfectly, not even close to it, I still saw God show up. I will admit that there are still things that I’m waiting on, miracles and blessings I’ve prayed that haven’t been delivered yet. But there is something special about being able to see His blessings when He shows up in different areas of your life. There’s a quote from a Christmas movie that I always love to be reminded of when I don’t understand life. The innocence of this scene reminds me of how I want my faith to always think big the way a child does. It’s from The Santa Clause. The elf tells young Charlie, “Seeing isn’t believing, believing is seeing.” The great thing is, God gave us this word too, 2 Corinthians 5:7 says, “For we live by believing and not by seeing.”

So let’s believe. Believe for those miracles, pray for them like they are already on their way. Pray and believe for the things you don’t yet see, the things that seem impossible! Take that leap of faith! Do the bold things, even if you do them afraid, not knowing what’s on the other side. God has come through in so many things in my life already, why would He stop now. I’m believing big for me and believing big for all of those reading!

-marielis, believer of BIG miracles

Releasing my dreams.

I’ve never been much of a risk taker. Sure, I like adventure and trying new things like travel destinations and restaurants, but when it comes to a complete life altering decision, the biggest leap of faith I’ve probably taken is trying a new fashion trend or a new hiking trail. Boring, I know. I like and appreciate the things that are familiar, safe and secure. I like knowing what’s around the corner, having a plan, and the only surprise I like is when I randomly find money in an old pair of jeans. So, when I started feeling this strange urge to make a huge change in our lives and quick, it terrified and excited me at the same time. Who am I to think I can pull off such a thing.

As I write this, I’m sitting on a bed at a friend’s guesthouse that she offered for us to stay in as we prepare to move. I’ll get to that part later. Allow me to rewind, I can’t really explain it but for some reason I have never felt like San Antonio is “home”. Maybe it was being a military brat or just not having the traditional life of growing up around extended family. I’ve just never felt that special connection to San Antonio, other than the fact that my parents and siblings live here. I’ve always had this longing, vision or dream of us moving, for years. I remember looking into it about 9 years ago and I got scared and didn’t pursue it any further. I questioned myself, am I being ungrateful by wanting to move? Is it the right thing to do? Is it even possible? Maybe if I meet someone, then it will make sense. I never really talked about it either. I was afraid of what people would think, the doubts in my own mind. Me, single mom, one income. Let’s be honest, moving didn’t and still doesn’t make logical sense. Then 2023 happened.

After going through a long string of rejections from job interviews, people, and what felt like a consistency of being disappointed, I had been left frustrated with life. Confused on why things seemed to come so easily for others, but such a struggle for me. Nothing to this point felt like it was working in my favor. I came to a strange breakthrough where I finally decided to give up. Not on myself, and not on hope, but on my own idea of how life was supposed to look for me, for us. My plans, that clearly were not panning out. The job, the marriage, the kids, the house. I let go of everything. Every single dream or desire I had, I decided to give it to God, again, because I was tired. Tired of holding onto it, wondering when things would happen for me. It got too painful to carry the dreams by myself. Then, in May of 2023, I interviewed and got offered a new role at work, after applying for a new job for almost 2 years (see that story on my previous blog post). It felt like I was finally being seen. I was so grateful when I got offered the job, I cried one of those ugly cries that you hope no one ever sees. No one understood or really knew the turning point that I desperately needed.

We all hear about sharing our burdens with God, but I think we forget that we have to let him carry our dreams too. Jeremiah 29:11 (my favorite verse) says that God knows the plans He has for me. The key in this verse is that “God knows”, which means I definitely do not. And life kept proving to me that if there is one thing I know, it’s that I don’t know anything. Now this isn’t to say that we shouldn’t pursue our dreams or have a plan for things. But instead, maybe we need to recognize that step 1 is to pray for Gods will and not our own.

So, to go back to my move, I started the new role and life seemed to be looking up. I loved the new job, my new coworkers, even my boss. But there was something in me that felt there was something else on the horizon. Maybe all the newness gave me renewed hope, I started believing again that God really did know what he was doing. To bring me to a new job at the right time and it be such a great fit. I had new perspective, and I was ready to be open to what else God had planned. I prayed prayers of gratitude, but also asked what was next. I knew there was something else. Something else I needed to do, give up, surrender. I was sitting on my bed one day, working on a puzzle (it always calmed my mind), and my son Josiah was in the living room, I could hear the TV from my room. My mind wandered and then I suddenly felt a pause, and then a warmth went thru my body. It felt like everything around me stopped. Everything went silent and still and then I heard a soft but strong voice say, “It’s time to go.” I can’t explain it, but I knew that it meant that it was time to move. And what has happened in the days and weeks and months after that, cannot be explained by anything other than me saying “Had to be God.”

This may be the first part of the story of my current season, but I’m also looking forward to sharing more of the miraculous and divine moments, and also the things I have learned through this wild season we are still experiencing. Stay tuned!

#takingaleapoffaith

Waiting in Rejection

When I graduated college with my bachelor’s degree last year, I assumed a new job wouldn’t just fall in my lap. But I had no idea it would be as exhausting and mentally draining as it has been. I am almost a year into this new job hunt adventure. One I haven’t been on in quite a while. I’ve been with the same company for almost 17 years and in the same department for about 12 of those. I’ve pretty much gone through every major life event while working there. Marriage, having a child, divorce, graduating college, all the ups and downs that our 20’s and 30’s brings us.

Although I try not to live in the past, I can’t help but think if I had done things differently, maybe this job hunt journey wouldn’t be so difficult right now. Rejection after rejection, as if by now I haven’t experienced enough of that in my personal life. Now I’m having to accept it professionally, and man it stings just as bad. As of today, I have probably spent over 200 hours trying to learn about these new methods of networking, updating my resume numerous times, going through career coaching, resume building courses, creating numerous amounts of profiles, and applying for jobs.

I’m 36 and I have definitely been through some life stuff, as I mentioned above. But the one thing I never thought about, is how much all sorts of rejection can circle back and put me back in a rut. The feeling of not being chosen, can go back to elementary days of not being picked by a team. Knowing the answer for questions, but the teacher still picks someone else. Wanting to fit in with a certain crowd, but being overlooked and outcasted because maybe you didn’t dress like them or weren’t into getting into trouble. Do we ever get over those things? Maybe some of us do. But the truth is, just because one day we wake up and we’re in our 30’s with responsibilities, doesn’t mean that all those little events don’t still affect us. And it certainly doesn’t mean they stop happening.

Rejection is one of those things that just happens in life, right? This is what we hear, it’s just a part of growing up. And it is. BUT, what about after? How are we choosing to handle it? Where do we turn when the rejection doesn’t stop coming? I don’t have an answer, but I can honestly say that I have had some super low days, and some super high days. I have cried from frustration, feeling like over and over I keep hitting a wall. And then I have gotten a call for an interview and my hope is back up. But then not getting selected and months going by without any other callbacks and dozens and dozens of those infamous emails. “Thank you for your interest…. But we have chosen to pursue another candidate.” It never gets easier reading those emails.

I am just one in the millions of those that are trying just as hard as I am. And to those, I feel you, I get you, I know it sucks and feels like nothing is happening. Let’s do something in the waiting. I don’t know if this is the right thing to do, but this is what has helped me in every other aspect of my life. Waiting for answers, waiting for love, waiting for a break, waiting for a chance. There’s a reason why so much of our lives are about waiting. And what gets me through it, sometimes, is that God wants me to work on something in the waiting.

So, as I end this long overdue blog post, let’s ask ourselves, what can I do in the waiting? Even if its not the job hunt your waiting in, there is still something you can do while you wait. Maybe it’s disconnecting, tap into some hobbies, signing up for volunteer work, blessing someone else while you wait for your blessing, isn’t that an amazing thought? Something amazing is around the corner.

#waitinginhope

Protected: A digital day in my life

What 2019 taught me

As the end of the year approaches quickly, it’s always a time of reflection. We have our eyes set on the New Year and ready for change. I am with all of you, feeling a bit tired of all the craziness 2019 brought, but empowered to get 2020 off to a great start. We all learn a little more every year, and I know this year has been a huge one for me. So I write this blog for all my friends who put in some heart work this year and anyone else that just wants a glimpse.

-Revealing old wounds can often lead to revelation

This year has been an uncomfortable year of growth for me. I have learned so much about who I was, who I am and who I want to be. I’ve also had to unlearn a lot of thoughts and behaviors that started back from my earliest memories, which I never even thought effected my adulthood. As the digging began, things became clearer and I started to understand myself better. We always hear the saying of being the best you, but in order to be the best you, it really helps to understand who you were, who you are and why.

This was not a painless process. It took some serious work, vulnerability, open mindedness and willingness to grow. I’m not at all perfect, but I can say that facing these demons and wounds has allowed me to truly be who I feel God has made me to be, the definition of being unapologetically me. Going back in time and reflecting on certain life moments that sparked something in me, whether positive or negative. Moments that brought joy and moments that brought confusion or pain. I had to face them in order to break away from what I never knew was trapping me to begin with.

I spent years of my life trying to fit in with those that I admired or looked up to. Words spoken to me, actions done, all of what I had forgiven or thought I did at least. The words and actions or lack thereof unknowingly placed me in a box. A box I don’t belong in, I never did. And none of us do. So many of us, especially now in the age of social media, compare our lives to others. We want the things we don’t have. We wish for things to be different. We think to ourselves that if only I had what he or she had, my life would be better. Or if only I had that missing piece, then maybe I’d fit in. But the reality is, it shouldn’t matter what we have or don’t have, the places where we belong are the places where we don’t have to bring the missing piece to the table. And for once, I’m 100% okay with not fitting in. God didn’t make me to fit in. He made me to be courageous, to be different, and to be real.

-Standards over expectations

We can’t expect everyone to understand or want to understand. Sometimes it doesn’t matter what you do, some people are just simply not meant to grow with you. A different version of you can scare them, and it will feel like you are being judged. And maybe they are judging you, but if they are, it’s because they just don’t get it. It’s not our job to make everyone understand or to prove ourselves to people. Eventually, you’ll start to realize, as I have, that it has nothing to do with me. The internal struggles of everyone are all different, whether they like to admit a struggle at all or not.

Something I feel I constantly wrestle with, is how to handle disappointments, especially when you have certain expectations. Sometimes I expect people to treat me or anyone the way I would treat them. Or I expect someone to care because I have cared for them. I put extremely high expectations on people without realizing it, and then when things crash, the disappointment haunts me. After so many letdowns, it made me question what was wrong with me, what was I doing wrong, how can someone do or say something like that, whatever it may be. My focus has now changed to standards. Having expectations is not a bad thing, but we have to be careful not to put them over our standards. Placing our life standards first, allows us to recognize when something or someone just isn’t a good fit for us in our life or in a certain place in our life. It removes the pain of disappointment or failure, and replaces it with acceptance and peace.

–My heart is worth the fight.

6 years ago when I was still married and trying to make my marriage survive, my friendships looked very different. I didn’t really have any, aside from my family. After all the years of wanting to fit in with my siblings, I found myself in the exact place that set me apart from them. I was nearing the stages of being the only divorced, single parent of 1 in my family. My heart had never been so broken before, not just from the pain of the marriage I left or the grueling process of divorce, but from all the change I didn’t see coming. My divorce hit, and everything and I mean everything changed. I struggled with understanding why. No fault to anyone, but things were just different. I longed for acceptance, friendships, family, community, support, and understanding. In the midst of the confusion and frustration behind the losses, without expectation of much, God gave me some seriously amazing friends. These friends have included us into their lives no matter how different or alike we are. These friends are my emergency calls, my prayer warriors, my supporters, my encouragers, and most of all, my family. What I thought my heart lost forever, soon after, I gained more family then I ever thought I would have. I will forever be grateful for these people of mine. The ones that never left, the new ones that never judged and the old ones that left behind a lesson. I now have the understanding that some people are placed in your life to teach you how to fight for yourself, your worth, your heart and your identity.

In a world that is unfortunately filled with a lot of division, exclusion and even hate, I want my son to learn to love all people no matter what. My life experiences have transformed my heart into one that wants all people to feel accepted, to feel loved, and to be okay being real. I want people around me to feel like it is okay to be who they are. I want people to feel at home when they are in my home. We have all been judged and we have all judged others, but I wish we’d leave the judging up to God as it was intended. I know it’s not an easy thing, and I know I’ll have to check myself from time to time. It’s easy to judge, it’s harder to love. I still have a lot of work to do in my life, there’s new challenges I will face, new joys for me to experience, new lessons to be learned. But I hope I never forget the year of 2019 to be the year I got my heart back.

-marielis, ready to take on 2020

The Struggle is Real

I will be the first one to tell you this about myself, I’m a Christian but sometimes I don’t understand God. I have this relationship with Him that can be extremely frustrating at times. I want to trust Him the way I’m supposed to, but that can be difficult when you see things happening for everyone else and feel like somehow God has forgotten you. I’ve questioned my choices; maybe it’s because of what I did when I was 19 or 24, or 33. Is there a secret to this crazy life that I don’t know? Does believing in God mean that I can’t ask questions?

I don’t know why certain things happen to certain people and what is most mind blowing, is when bad things happen to good people. I don’t know why some people are diagnosed with cancer and some aren’t. I don’t know why some people survive cancer and others don’t. I don’t know why some marriages withstand tough times while others end in divorce. I don’t know why some people seem to get chance after chance, and others can’t seem to catch a break. We all hear the same thing from someone at some point in our lives, and I’m sure we’ve all said this too: “Everything happens for a reason”. And sometimes we can even go back and look at past decisions and recognize our part in why things happened the way they did. But it will never explain why it’s not going the way you want it to currently.

I can ask myself why or why not. I’ve made some bad choices like the rest of us, but I do make an effort to do right. I wish I had the answers for all these heart wrenching questions for myself and for others because I know I can’t be the only one who has had these thoughts. I don’t admit it often, but I’m admitting it today, sometimes life sucks, and things don’t make sense.

Let me make something clear. I’m not writing this to throw myself a pity party or to encourage anyone to go on a rant on social media. Although I do think we are all allowed a temporary pity party from time to time as long as the party ends at a decent time. I’m writing this because I have thoughts that I think most of us do too but we just don’t say it because we’re too afraid of appearing ungrateful, weak, or selfish. But what is wrong with being real sometimes? Life is not Facebook! We don’t always have to show off our proudest moments, our best pictures and our greatest accomplishments 100% of the time IRL (in real life). Life isn’t fair sometimes, it will always have its ups and downs and we should all have people in our lives to share both of those times with. If someone is only there when you’re up, ask yourself if that person is a true friend. And when someone is only there when you’re down, ask yourself what that person really wants for you. I honestly feel like this world would be a better place if we all just stopped pretending!

I think we get lost in thinking that strength has to be in pretending everything is great, even when it’s not. I had an unexpected, intense conversation with a good friend of mine recently, about jealousy of all things. I admitted to her that I was jealous of her, her family life with her husband and kids. She shared that she was jealous of the relationship I have with my mom. Her mom passed away from cancer when she was a teenager and I’ve been a single mom for 5 years. As we talked about these harsh truths, the things we wished we had that the other does, and the pain that comes from seeing it, I was thankful that I could be so real with her. I mean, how many people can you just bluntly tell “I’m jealous of you” and not get unfriended or scolded about the things you already know. The difference is our jealousies don’t affect our friendship because we are honest about them. It’s never gotten in the way of me being happy for her or her being happy for me. In fact, it’s something that I feel gives us perspective about each other.

We all have our struggles and I think that sometimes a relationship with God, Christianity or your spiritual connection can make us feel like we don’t have a right to be angry or question things. But I think we should, it’s then when I feel like I grow and learn more about myself and those around me. We were not meant to go through this life alone, or to be fake.

So I end this with one request, let’s all be real with someone today. Tell someone your struggles, let them tell you theirs. And tomorrow, when you feel a little lighter that you’ve shared some of the weight you’ve been carrying on your shoulders, tell someone your ups in life, and let them share theirs.

-marielis, keeping it real

Enough

A word that holds so many meanings. What does it mean for you right now? Maybe it’s the word you use when you’re yelling at your kids when they didn’t listen the first, second or third time. Maybe it’s the question you ask yourself when you’re feeling overwhelmed. Maybe it’s the word you describe yourself as when you’ve realized all you’ve overcome. Or maybe it’s simply the word you wish you felt about yourself. Whatever the meaning to you at this moment, I hope it’s a meaning that empowers and encourages you. And if it isn’t at this moment, I understand, and rest assured, that you will get there in time.

I’m not one to pretend I live a perfect life, and show all my happiest moments on every avenue of social media. To be honest, I’m not the biggest fan of social media. (That may have to be a whole different blog) My life is messy, I have a past, I have struggles in my present, and there is so much unknown in my future that sometimes it keeps me up at night. But if there is one thing I know, it’s that I don’t live the typical life I thought I would be at 33. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t always feel the most confident about where I am in life. Because if I’m completely honest, the world screams at me every chance it gets to make me feel like I’m supposed to be in a different phase in life. But as often as those struggling moments come, they pass more quickly now, if I just stop and think about what God has given me, versus what He hasn’t given me yet.

Let’s start with the fact that I have breath in my lungs and the ability to share my life with the best people around. I have a good job. I have not just a house, but a home. My son and I are both in good health. I can keep going, but I think we can get the point. I’m in a good place. You are in a good place. It’s all about perspective. We all have ENOUGH of everything in this life, but when life throws a curveball or two, or when you’re in one of those “when it rains it pours” situations, it makes all those highs in life not seem so high. When something tough happens, like that rejection from someone important to us, or the job opportunity that didn’t go as planned, all of a sudden we feel insufficient. We cling to what hurts, and forget what made us happy. Then it spirals into a search for joy, when it was there all along.

Why we only seem to mainly look for our most joyful things when we are going through some type of sorrow, is beyond me. I’m guilty of it. It’s a reminder we need almost every day. I can go backwards and think how some things in my life might be different, had I just been confident and said ENOUGH to the people or things that were weighing me down. Or had I just known I was ENOUGH and didn’t seek approval or acceptance from anyone. But it’s a lesson to be learned, even if it took me 33 years to learn it. And each lesson has been a stepping stone to where I am today. Sometimes I take steps back unintentionally, but something or someone in my life always finds a way to put me back on track.

The world tells us we need more of everything and anything. It’s something that we can’t get rid of, whether it’s through social media, billboards, commercials, and even family or friends. Sometimes we lose ourselves with the very thing we thought would complete us. But the truth is, if you don’t find yourself complete or whole as it is, nothing will ever satisfy you. You will be left disappointed and you will walk away disappointing someone else. No one is excluded from that, and the reason is simple, we are not perfect people. I used to hold onto my own mistakes and wave them in my own face time and time again. I’ve messed up, said things I shouldn’t have, or stayed quiet when I should’ve spoken up. But at this point in my life, I’ve come to understand that life and time are a greater gift then we think, and all I can do is to try to swallow my pride, apologize, and move on. Sometimes that means moving on without the person or thing that I failed. And that’s ok, because if I am not ENOUGH for them, I am still ENOUGH for myself and for those still sticking around, mistakes and disappointments included.

So next time life brings you feeling hopeless and searching for joy, I hope that the journey brings you back to yourself, because you are ENOUGH!

-Marielis, enough

Adventures in Dating

I didn’t get around to do much dating until I was closer to 30 and in my 30s. I remember being excited since it was something new for me, and I imagined being wined and dined and getting all dressed up. Very soon into my dating, it became clear that dating wasn’t really all that I thought it was. I’m not sure if my expectations were too high or too low, but the silver lining of it is that I usually had a story to tell my closest girlfriends that we would eventually laugh till we cried. The stories I am about to share are stories of my own and of some of my closest friends.

–I was set up on a kind of blind date, and by kind of blind date I mean that blind dates don’t really exist anymore with social media, etc. We had texted and talked on the phone for a few days prior, and conversation flowed well. We met up at Buffalo Wild Wings. It being a casual place, I just wore jeans and a casual top. I was shocked to see my date walk in wearing a windbreaker suit. I’m not oppose to wearing windbreaker pants or the whole ensemble, but I was a bit taken back that he would choose that for our first “date”. I questioned if maybe he was planning on going for a run after our date? It was an awkward moment when I heard the “swish swish” every time he moved. But I stuck around, trying to stay positive, but it just didn’t get better from there. I had previously shared that I was a light drinker, but then watched him chug 2 pints of beer right before my eyes, in the matter of 30 minutes. He also went on to share how he was high on his first day of orientation at his current job. There wasn’t a second date.

-My friend met a guy on a plane traveling back to San Antonio. She may or may not have been a little tipsy when I picked her up from the airport, but she was excited that this guy had been bold enough to give her his number in front of her friends. They scheduled their first date at a local restaurant. What she didn’t know until they walked into the restaurant, was that his family owned the restaurant and he knew everyone there. The date went on and it was obvious that this guy came from a wealthy family but was still lacking some maturity, especially when he bragged about having a fancy pipe in his car that he uses to smoke weed. Sure it’s legal in some states, and to each their own, but my friend was out of this stage in her life already.

-I went on a first date with a man who within the first 15 minutes of our date, I questioned if he just wasn’t that into me. He walked so far apart from me that I could feel the hostess at the restaurant look as if she was unsure if we were there together or both just waiting for different tables. A few dates later, I brought it up, turns out he was just nervous, but it made for an awkward walk and entrance and a lot of jokes after.

-After chatting with this guy from an online dating site, it was time to meet in person. The first date went so well, that a second group date was planned. We were going tubing with a group of friends and what happened was one for the books. I’m not sure if it was the need for some liquid courage or the excessive drinking just being who he was. Floating down the river, I realized this guy had clearly drank too much and could no longer hold himself up on the tube. I spent the rest of the date, holding onto his tube and him, making sure he didn’t drown. I walked away feeling good that I might have just saved someone’s life, but shocked that it was my dates.

-A brother of a friend of mine reached out wondering about my current status. We had met briefly before in passing at my friends’ celebrations, etc. When agreeing to meet up with him, I was under the assumption that my friend knew he had reached out. We met at the movies and were in line buying popcorn, when I heard a woman’s voice behind me loudly say “Oh, wow, this is awkward”. We both turn around to find his sister in line behind us. It was then clear that his sister did not know her brother and I had been chatting. Thankfully we weren’t there to see the same movie.

-After a long strand of late work days, I should have rescheduled a first date that was planned. But instead, I got home from work the day of our date, and decided I could take a quick 30 minute power nap. That 30 minutes, turned into 4 hours and I slept thru our entire date, not even hearing my phone go off. I woke up to tons of texts and phone calls and felt horrible. I guess I just wasn’t that into him, or I was just really that tired.

-My first online dating app experience I was finally surprised that the guy didn’t start conversation out with dirty comments or questions. So I agreed to meet up with him in person. On our second date, as we drove in his car, I heard a beep sound and noticed he went to grab something in the center dash of his car. Apparently he had gotten a DUI, or a couple, and was on probation, to include having a breathalyzer in his car. It at least made for an interesting ride home.

-Out on a group date, everything was going well at first. My friends’ boyfriend didn’t seem to click well with my date, but they were still friendly, until my friend decided she didn’t want to drink anymore, and my date kept buying her drinks anyway. Her boyfriend seemed a little annoyed and they ended up leaving soon after before it got more awkward. I was still having a good time, so decided to stay with my date for a little longer. We had a few more drinks, and then decided to head somewhere else in one car to get something to eat. As I was driving, we both decided to take a quick stop to use the restroom since we still hadn’t decided where we were going to go. We both got out to use the restroom at a nearby gas station. I got back in the car, and waited for my date to return. I waited, and waited, and waited. I even asked the clerk inside if she had seen him leave the restroom, because at this point I was worried. I tried calling and texting but got no response. Eventually I just went home. Hours later, I got an apology text that he had decided to walk back to his car and drive home. Maybe he didn’t like my driving, I’m still unsure.

Dating sure is an adventure, and not always a pleasant one. But sometimes it’s just part of the single life that at least you can walk away learning something, and having a funny story to tell.

Marielis – unofficial storyteller

Expiration Dates-No use crying over spoiled milk

There is a small amount of anxiety that enters my body when I’m standing in front of the milk section at the grocery store. I search for the one with the expiration date furthest away. I question whether I should get a half gallon or a full gallon because it’s a better deal. And now with the knowledge of my sons mild allergies, I try to remember which kind of milk I bought last to try and balance how much of what kind of milk he is drinking. And then i stand there hoping I’m not the only one that takes this long to buy milk. I try to remember to go through my refrigerator and pantry at least once every couple of months to toss out expired foods. And the things I find sometimes…I can’t even explain.

My purchased milk goes into the fridge, and serves it’s purpose for as many days as I can get it to last. Bowls of cereal, baking, cooking and the occasional cup of “strawberry lechita” after a long day for my son to enjoy. The problem with buying milk is, eventually it will expire. And once it’s expired, it can no longer serve the same purpose that it did when it was made and bought. The reality is that milk isn’t the only thing that expires or spoils in our life. Many other things have expiration dates: careers, friendships, material items, relationships.

I think we can all agree that we have had things go wrong for us before. We’ve lost things, and sometimes we don’t understand why. But the easy answer to all of it, is that whatever was lost or broken finished serving its purpose in our lives. We hold onto things that no longer provide us any positive purpose. I am guilty of it. I recently went through a very unplanned house cleaning experience. Almost every appliance I owned just began to break. From my Air conditioner to a busted underground pipe in my house. After about the 4th repair or replacement I was having to make, I questioned why, why all at once and why now.

It wasn’t just the broken appliances or home repairs, it was all the spoiled things in my life that were slowly leaving. The connection to my dysfunctional past, things that I still had that served absolutely no purpose, and things that I still held onto or allowed in that were hindering a future I still hoped to have. I wanted to move forward. I didn’t want to pick back up the spoiled milk from the trash.

A friend recently told me a story about how her Grandmother kept her refrigerator stocked with old food. And when my friend tried to clean it out for her, her Grandmother got upset. It was as if she was holding onto things, just to make her refrigerator seem full. It was possibly in hopes that it would bring back her husband. We do the same things sometimes. We pile on more stuff and then refuse to let it go when we know we have to much and some things end up getting neglected anyway. Maybe we hope for magical repairs, returns or exchanges. But the truth is, if something was meant to expire, there is no changing that.

I went to a Trent Shelton event last year and something he said has stuck with me ever since. He mentioned that in order to fulfill our greatness, we have to learn how to protect our peace, which sometimes means we have to say goodbye to certain things or people. He also mentioned that just because someone started on a journey with you, it does not mean they are meant to finish the journey with you. So whether it’s a person or thing that I’m willingly or being forced to part with, I try to appreciate the purpose it or they once served and move on because I know God would only allow it to leave for a good reason, beyond what I can see. At the time, I couldn’t understand why I was having to replace these certain appliances, but as I found my moments in silence and peace, they often came to me. God was cleaning up my life in a way that I never thought I needed.

Shockingly, or maybe not for those of you who already knew this, there is one food item that never expires. Honey. I had read about it on an online article, and decided to research some, because I know I have thrown out some unused honey before. And if you know me, I hate wasting food. And it was in fact true. Honey will change its shape and form over time, but if stirred or heated, it returns to it’s original form that we are most familiar with. As I relate this, oddly, to my life, I can identify my honey filled relationships and items I hold onto closely. We cannot avoid having items that will spoil and will need to be tossed out. But we can be better at recognizing them and accepting the loss. And in turn, we can evaluate our honey and make sure we put in the steps it takes to preserve it and reheat as necessary…

Accept what was, be thankful for what is and be hopeful for what will be. And if you need to switch those around, by all means, do it, because our God given life is only what we choose to make of it.

Marielis, cleans up nicely

Reclamation

Why do we let pain change our hearts but don’t allow joy to change it? If I think about the last few years of my life, I am 100% guilty of allowing painful moments and memories change how I handled certain situations and life in general. There is no doubt in my mind that overcoming some of my most difficult moments have made me strong and have taught me valuable life lessons. Yet, when I reminisce on some of my most joyful moments in life, I wish I’d allowed these happy times to change my heart more than the hurtful ones have. Now as I try to learn yet another life lesson, I am choosing to go way beyond my pain. Instead, I am actively working on regaining my identity from before those pivotal painful moments.

Instead of asking myself ‘”who am I?” I’m going to ask myself “who was I?” As I try to remember the things that made me happy and made me laugh, I also remember the things that fogged the happiness until eventually ‘being happy’ was simply a distant memory that eventually vanished. Every time I allowed the sorrow to consume me, I added a brick to the wall around my heart. As much as I tried over time, I never let the joyful moments or the blessings fully break down my wall. Over time, this kind of pattern took over the ability of showing gratitude. It became very easy to blame other people for every hurt I experienced.

I cannot deny my past, my past hurts, or my past failures. But I can choose to look beyond them, and as our favorite Disney song says, “LET IT GO!” Why is that so hard? I was recently out with friends, sitting at a restaurant bar. We had some fun and deep conversations about kids, life and relationships. The server, seeing how intense our conversation was, chimed in and so we shared some stories and he shared some advice. He looked at me, pointed and said, “You’ve been hurt, badly.” It was then that I realized I was living off the excuses of everything and everyone that has hurt me instead of living in grace and mercy, knowing that God knows my past, present and future. I don’t have to live in my past if I don’t want to.

So as my journey to the past continues, I am challenging myself to find my identity once again, and rebirth the person I once was, while at the same time using the life lessons that have come along the way. Because that is the person that people around me truly deserve to know. The one that is wiser than before, yet kind, forgiving and whole hearted because I am not living in my pain anymore. I will not worry about what pain might come tomorrow. I’m cleaning my life of all baggage that I have been carrying for probably the last 10 or so years. I am reclaiming my name, not as Marielis: the divorcee, single mom with a painful past. But as Marielis: the kind, faithful, thankful, life loving woman.

As I challenge myself, I challenge others as well. Maybe you have gotten lost in only being recognized as “Mommy”, maybe your career has engulfed you or maybe you’re like me and live through your past. Take some steps backwards, as bad as that sounds, it really is necessary to move forward. Find you again, find your worth, and you may find that you have a new name, a new purpose, and a new perspective. And always remember that God created you to be greater than your pain and failures.

-Marielis, a work in progress