marielisunedited

Motherhood: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

The Good
Mornings with my son are my absolute favorite moments, for the most part. I love the good morning snuggles and smiles, and when it seems as if anything will make him giggle. I enjoy tickling him so he can climb out of bed, and I treasure our random conversations about what went on his dreams. Thanks to my son, I now fully understand the reasoning behind the show “Kids Say the Darndest Things.” Even though I highly anticipate our early morning dances to help get us moving and our morning drives as we sing songs together, there is NOTHING that beats hearing the words “I love you so much Mommy.” When these words are spoken, any kind of day I’m having is turned into a better one. They love us unconditionally- no matter how we look or what we say. As moms, we are almost always the first face our child sees when they wake up, and the last one they see before they go to sleep. We mean the world to our kids even when it feels like we are failing.

I hope I’m not the only one that goes to the store for something for themselves and walks out with things for their kids. Being a mom means that every outing you make, whether it’s a night out with the girls or a quick trip to the grocery store, is no longer what it used to be. It becomes ‘what do my kids need?’ and then seeing something and thinking ‘Oh, he would love this!’ We become selfless. We become chefs, doctors, scientists, actors, singers, and so much more. Being a mom opens our world.

The Bad
I wish I could say I never yell at my son, but the truth is that some days I find myself yelling way more than I’ve smiled. I find myself having to repeat myself over and over, feeling like my son just doesn’t listen to me. There are those constant questions we ask ourselves, the doubts that keep us up at night- Am I a good mom? What if I make the wrong choice? The weight is heavy knowing that every decision I make can potentially affect his life. I’ve cried several tears because I felt like I just wasn’t good enough or doing enough. Unfortunately, social media and just where our world is now has made it so much easier for us to compare ourselves with every other mom out there. We pin hundreds of ideas on our Pinterest boards and hope one day to have the energy to try some of them. It can be overwhelming trying to figure out how to balance all the important things in your life without neglecting anything. As nice as it would be, there is no magic recipe for having the perfect balance or being the perfect mom. Being a mom is hard.

The Ugly
Before someone comes to my house, I almost always feel the need to warn them or use the disclaimer “Don’t judge my house please.” I’m lucky if I had enough time to wash the dishes! Then there are those days when we decide to take advantage of kid-free-time to clean only to find dried up food or candy underneath the couch or in other unknown places. Let’s not forget about the days I decide to clean out my car because it’s smelled a little odd the last few days, and I find an old zip lock bag of something inside that I can no longer identify. Having a boy means you have to clean up pee stains constantly because sometimes they just don’t “hit the target”. Oh! Let’s acknowledge the messy hair, no make-up, and gym-clothes-outfit days! Even though I have no plans of even working out, sometimes gym clothes are the only clean clothes that is quick to grab and put on, so that’s just what the “outfit of the day” (ootd) has to be. Being a mom is messy.

I put so much pressure on myself some days, and then at the end of the day I’m pleading to God, ‘Lord please help me please!’ Some days I wish I could enjoy my son more than I have because it’s just been one of those rough days. And then there are days, where my son comes to me and hugs me and says “You’re the best mom ever, I love you so much!” when all I did was give him a snack right before he said that. That’s when we as moms should take a step back and say “Yes, I am the best mom”, because every single day no matter what is going on, I am trying, I am pushing forward, I am praying, I am hugging, and I am blessed. So let’s all feel free to hashtag our gym clothes OOTD, our messy house, make up free face and smile, because you made it thru another day of being your child’s superstar!

-Marielis, imperfect mom but rocking it the best way I know how

Run, Girl, Run

If you knew me 2 or so years ago, you probably would have heard me say something like “I could never run any kind of marathon” or “My body isn’t meant for that much running!” Then suddenly I found myself signing up to run the Rock and Roll half marathon. What was I thinking? I have no idea. I had gotten back into fitness and working out when I got divorced, but I never saw myself signing up for a marathon of any kind. I knew it would be hard, but I had no idea all the different types of effort I was going to have to put in.
Time. We never have enough of it, right? Once I signed up, I knew my type of schedule would not allow me to train the way that is recommended, but I had already signed up and I was determined to do it the best way that I could. I planned my runs weeks in advance. I woke up brutally early on many Saturdays to get a run in before the scorching summer heat of the day. I had to get help to watch my son early mornings so I wouldn’t have to run so long with a jogging stroller in tow.

Money. Something we also don’t have enough of sometimes. I had no idea how much I was going to have to invest in this decision I had made. I spent way more money on running shoes and accessories than I have ever spent on clothes or shoes for myself. I had my walk analyzed to make sure I was wearing the right shoes. I bought special vitamins for my joints. I even bought new Bluetooth headphones to make it easier to play my music when I ran because I had to have music when I run!

Support. This is probably the most important thing that I needed during this time. I am so extremely thankful for having motivating friends and family to help me thru this time. From babysitting help to motivating advice, I wouldn’t have been able to put in the effort without it. And to finish 13.1 miles, for the first time, I was going to need all the pushing and encouragement I could get!

The day of the race finally came. I hardly slept the night before. With my training and schedule, I only had run up to 10 miles. How in the world was I going to be able to push it for another 3.1? I remember telling myself, if I must stop and walk for a few seconds every so often, it’s okay. I had everything prepared the night before, but nothing prepared me for what the day would bring. Almost everything went wrong. I can laugh about it now, but during that day, I had to force any type of smile!

One of my best friends and I were ready! We waited in our section for our start time. The weather had quickly turned the day before. So instead of it being a cool day, it was now cold and rainy. Hundreds of people were wearing ponchos, but we decided to brave it without one. I pulled out my “fancy” Bluetooth headphones out, to find that one of the ear covers had fallen out. No big deal, I’ll just listen in one ear only. About 3 miles in, suddenly my headphones stopped working. I wasn’t sure if it was because they got wet in the rain, they broke, battery died, but I did know that I needed my music to finish. So, as I ran, slowing down, I just turned my phone speakers on instead, and thought, I hope people around me don’t mind my music!

Around 6 miles in, the rain and the cold were now starting to get to me. My socks were completely soaked from stepping in hundreds of puddles. My normal strides and steps were off and now my foot was in pain, but I was still determined to finish. I knew that I could stop and walk for a bit, but my energy level wasn’t the problem. I thought to myself, if I stop and walk a bit, my foot will hurt even longer. So, I kept running. My boyfriend and my parents had planned to find me along the way using the runner tracker that was set up by the marathon association. But, it wasn’t working, so my boyfriend would call me every few miles to find out where I was. Hearing him and my family saying “you got this”, I kept going, even though I was so wanting to just sit on the curb and say ok, I can’t anymore. My prayers went into high gear. “Oh God, please help me finish this!” I thought of all the pain I had endured, some not related to running, and knew that if could survive all that, surely I could finish this, still standing.

Mile 12, finishing my last mile. There was finally a light at the end of the tunnel. Right before I crossed the finish line, I passed my parents, my boyfriend and my son all snuggled in the stroller. I waved, smiled, and felt a huge rush of thankfulness, joy and relief. I did it! I was in pain, but I did it. I forced some smiles for some pictures and then reunited with my family. I still can’t say that I love running. But one thing that I can say, is that if you are determined to do something and are willing to pray and fight your way through it, it can be done! “For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13

-Marielis, half marathon runner
*Here are some songs that helped me stay motivated during training and the race!

1. Hall of Fame-The Script

2. Just Like Fire – Pink

3. Twisted- New Kids on the Block (Yes, of course I had to include one of their songs)

4. Through Your Eyes – Britt Nicole

5. Vivir Mi Vida – Marc Anthony

6. Chop Suey – System of a Down

7. Love Me Now – John Legend

Sister Bonds and Boy Bands

They say that a bond between sisters is one like none other. Having two sisters myself, I have to attest to that. My two older sisters and I hardly have anything in common. One of us can be described as quiet and reserved. The other can be loud and silly, and that is very much under exaggerated. And me, well, I would like to think I fall somewhere in between them. Even with all our differences, there is one thing that always bonds us together, and it has nothing to do with us having the same parents. It’s the one thing that almost no one understands, and some people probably think its super cheesy. And this one thing is, our love for NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK!

Ever since I can remember, we all loved our New Kids on the Block. We had posters, T-shirts, VHS tapes, and I think even some type of bedding. Even long after they stopped making albums, we would sit in front of the TV and watch the VHS tapes day after day, imagining how we would react if we were at the concert or trying to learn all the dance moves. We watched it so often that eventually my brother hid the tapes from us because he got so sick of us watching it all the time. Don’t worry, we found it and made a marathon of it!

Then, many years later, to our surprise, it was our dream come true! They were reuniting, making a new album, and going on tour! The first concert we attended, it was like we were 12 years old again, screaming, jumping, pretty much looking like a bunch of school girls obsessed with their famous boy band. Well two of us were at least. The quiet and reserved sister was smiling big with her binoculars to her face so she could get a good look, it’s still a joke we bring up now. It was one of the best sister nights we ever had, and it started a tradition.

Every year, we anxiously await any type of announcement of a tour or new album. Even when one of them did solo albums, we researched tours and appearances. And that was one of our luckiest ones. We paid about $25 to get general admission to Jordan Knights solo album appearance at a small outdoor center in Helotes TX. I was about 7 months pregnant and huge! But I didn’t care, I was going! I even made a T-shirt, in hopes I would catch Jordan’s eye. Well, my big belly gave one of the security guards a heart and let us get a good standing spot in the corner. I’ll never forget my sister’s screams to Jordan: “WHAT ABOUT HER BABY?! JORDAN!!!! WHAT ABOUT HER BABY?!” And then, he saw me, read my shirt, and said “I will!” I may be the youngest of us three, but that night I made my sisters jealous as Jordan brought me on stage and signed my baby bump!

And now, the three of us finally got to meet the whole band. As many times as we have attended their concerts, it was time to splurge on meet and greet passes. We sang, we danced, we screamed, we laughed, we cried! They may never remember me or my sisters, but for us, it was a night to remember always! My sisters and I have always had our ups and downs, our close times and our distances. But at the end of the day, our love for New Kids on the Block will always keep us ‘Hangin Tough’!

*Special thanks and shout outs to the special men in our lives who although they think we’re a little nuts, they still help out with the kids so we can have our once in a blue moon sister night with the new kids!

-Marielis, Blockhead sister for life

J ordan Knight signs baby bump

Where do I sign?

And then there I was, after months of putting my best efforts, sitting in the waiting room of an attorney’s office. It wasn’t the first time I was there, but this time was different. This time I knew, this time I was ready. As much as I prayed for this day not to come, God cleared the path before me instead and gave me a strength I never had before. Flashes of memories went through my mind as I spoke some of the details out with my attorney. Every hurt, both physical and emotional, raced through my mind. I was calm, yet so angry inside. How did I allow this man to hurt and betray me to this point?

It wasn’t always so bad. Bits of joy and laughter crossed my mind as well, but it was when my son’s innocent face came to my mind that helped me pick up the pen. This was not what I wanted for him in any shape or form. I didn’t know how his future would be after this, but I did know that he deserved so much better. At the very least, he deserved a better me. It was by far the most difficult step I have ever had to take. I was angry with myself and I blamed myself for him having to grow up in a “broken home.” No one in my family had ever been divorced so I didn’t know what this was supposed to be like- this thing called Divorce.

Our separation period wasn’t any easier. The pleading began; I started hearing all the sweet nothings I had waited so long to hear. I watched as my parents cried for the hurt that I was going through, but also as they tried to be strong enough to keep it together for me. I was now living in their house as I waited for answers and things to settle, one way or another. Going to the court house for what was supposed to be the final hearing, I watched my then husband come into the mediation room with his wedding ring on. The same wedding ring that he left in a drawer or in his car whenever he went out with friends. How was I supposed to take this? So many questions went through my mind, and the confidence I once had to file for divorce was no longer there. God, what are you doing to me? Why can’t I be steady about this now? So I waited…

I prayed, and prayed and prayed some more. God, help me make the right decision. Show me the way. All I got back at times was to wait; wait until you can walk away knowing you did everything and until my heart was ready. I remember one Sunday morning while at church during prayer time, I found my way to our Pastor. I’ll never forget the words he told me, “The happiest days of your family and of your life are still ahead of you.” The vision of my family was no longer there, but my pastor’s words that morning spoke life into my future. I now felt as if somehow things would be okay and that God would tell me when it was time. Every day that went by, something would be revealed that helped me let go more easily. I continued to witness the broken promises, heard more lies, and even got a confession of an affair in which I already knew about. But it was that last 911 phone call that I made that broke the stronghold this man had on me. I made a promise to myself that it would be the last time I ever had to call the police on my husband.

Finally, the day came. June 19, 2014 was the day my year officially started over. It was the day I signed off to my divorce. I walked away that day with no regrets and no what-ifs because I knew I had patiently and sometimes anxiously waited for God’s guidance. I still didn’t know where my story would go after that, but I knew it wasn’t over. Now, almost three years later, I feel beyond blessed to have the life I have now. God delivered and I have experienced some of the happiest days of my life. I know this is just the beginning.

If you are going through a divorce, you don’t have to go through it alone. Find support. If you know someone who is going through a divorce pray for them, or better yet pray with them because in the end, I know I could not have survived this if it wasn’t for God, my family, my church, and my friends.

-Marielis, Survivor of Divorce

The Unedited Me

I’m 31 years old. I’m a woman, a mom, a full-time employee, a Christ follower, a sister, a daughter, a friend. I didn’t plan most of the things that have happened in my life, I don’t think any of us do. I’m not perfect and have made my fair share of mistakes. At 27 years old, I was a newly single mom, which was not where I was supposed to be according to my childhood dreams. I spent some time finding myself again, renewing my relationship with God and gaining trust in friendships again that I had previously lost.

My now 5-year-old son, changed my life from the moment he was born and continues to keep me on my toes daily. When they say motherhood is the hardest but most rewarding job, it is no joke! I can find myself exhausted one minute, but one sound of that laughter of his, can make the smile on my face last for hours, and all because he made a fart sound but didn’t actually fart. Ahhhh, the life of having a boy…

I come from an interesting family. And by interesting, I really mean crazy, loud, fun, Puerto Rican, and oh so loving! I’m the youngest of four kids, and we’re lucky enough to have all of our kids growing up together. My parents are still married and still so much in love. True relationship goals! Once you are a friend of the family, you’re no longer just a friend, you are family and my mom and Grandma will make sure you eat well every time you are over at their house!

I’ve started this new venture of blogging to finish something I feel God has called me to do about many things. I’m not a professional writer, but it’s always been something I love to do and my hope is just to be able to share my stories, experiences, thoughts on topics from motherhood and fitness to food and relationships. So please join in on reading my blog and sharing!

-Marielis, unedited