I’ve never been much of a risk taker. Sure, I like adventure and trying new things like travel destinations and restaurants, but when it comes to a complete life altering decision, the biggest leap of faith I’ve probably taken is trying a new fashion trend or a new hiking trail. Boring, I know. I like and appreciate the things that are familiar, safe and secure. I like knowing what’s around the corner, having a plan, and the only surprise I like is when I randomly find money in an old pair of jeans. So, when I started feeling this strange urge to make a huge change in our lives and quick, it terrified and excited me at the same time. Who am I to think I can pull off such a thing.
As I write this, I’m sitting on a bed at a friend’s guesthouse that she offered for us to stay in as we prepare to move. I’ll get to that part later. Allow me to rewind, I can’t really explain it but for some reason I have never felt like San Antonio is “home”. Maybe it was being a military brat or just not having the traditional life of growing up around extended family. I’ve just never felt that special connection to San Antonio, other than the fact that my parents and siblings live here. I’ve always had this longing, vision or dream of us moving, for years. I remember looking into it about 9 years ago and I got scared and didn’t pursue it any further. I questioned myself, am I being ungrateful by wanting to move? Is it the right thing to do? Is it even possible? Maybe if I meet someone, then it will make sense. I never really talked about it either. I was afraid of what people would think, the doubts in my own mind. Me, single mom, one income. Let’s be honest, moving didn’t and still doesn’t make logical sense. Then 2023 happened.
After going through a long string of rejections from job interviews, people, and what felt like a consistency of being disappointed, I had been left frustrated with life. Confused on why things seemed to come so easily for others, but such a struggle for me. Nothing to this point felt like it was working in my favor. I came to a strange breakthrough where I finally decided to give up. Not on myself, and not on hope, but on my own idea of how life was supposed to look for me, for us. My plans, that clearly were not panning out. The job, the marriage, the kids, the house. I let go of everything. Every single dream or desire I had, I decided to give it to God, again, because I was tired. Tired of holding onto it, wondering when things would happen for me. It got too painful to carry the dreams by myself. Then, in May of 2023, I interviewed and got offered a new role at work, after applying for a new job for almost 2 years (see that story on my previous blog post). It felt like I was finally being seen. I was so grateful when I got offered the job, I cried one of those ugly cries that you hope no one ever sees. No one understood or really knew the turning point that I desperately needed.
We all hear about sharing our burdens with God, but I think we forget that we have to let him carry our dreams too. Jeremiah 29:11 (my favorite verse) says that God knows the plans He has for me. The key in this verse is that “God knows”, which means I definitely do not. And life kept proving to me that if there is one thing I know, it’s that I don’t know anything. Now this isn’t to say that we shouldn’t pursue our dreams or have a plan for things. But instead, maybe we need to recognize that step 1 is to pray for Gods will and not our own.
So, to go back to my move, I started the new role and life seemed to be looking up. I loved the new job, my new coworkers, even my boss. But there was something in me that felt there was something else on the horizon. Maybe all the newness gave me renewed hope, I started believing again that God really did know what he was doing. To bring me to a new job at the right time and it be such a great fit. I had new perspective, and I was ready to be open to what else God had planned. I prayed prayers of gratitude, but also asked what was next. I knew there was something else. Something else I needed to do, give up, surrender. I was sitting on my bed one day, working on a puzzle (it always calmed my mind), and my son Josiah was in the living room, I could hear the TV from my room. My mind wandered and then I suddenly felt a pause, and then a warmth went thru my body. It felt like everything around me stopped. Everything went silent and still and then I heard a soft but strong voice say, “It’s time to go.” I can’t explain it, but I knew that it meant that it was time to move. And what has happened in the days and weeks and months after that, cannot be explained by anything other than me saying “Had to be God.”
This may be the first part of the story of my current season, but I’m also looking forward to sharing more of the miraculous and divine moments, and also the things I have learned through this wild season we are still experiencing. Stay tuned!
#takingaleapoffaith
Marielis Unedited 