Reclamation

Why do we let pain change our hearts but don’t allow joy to change it? If I think about the last few years of my life, I am 100% guilty of allowing painful moments and memories change how I handled certain situations and life in general. There is no doubt in my mind that overcoming some of my most difficult moments have made me strong and have taught me valuable life lessons. Yet, when I reminisce on some of my most joyful moments in life, I wish I’d allowed these happy times to change my heart more than the hurtful ones have. Now as I try to learn yet another life lesson, I am choosing to go way beyond my pain. Instead, I am actively working on regaining my identity from before those pivotal painful moments.

Instead of asking myself ‘”who am I?” I’m going to ask myself “who was I?” As I try to remember the things that made me happy and made me laugh, I also remember the things that fogged the happiness until eventually ‘being happy’ was simply a distant memory that eventually vanished. Every time I allowed the sorrow to consume me, I added a brick to the wall around my heart. As much as I tried over time, I never let the joyful moments or the blessings fully break down my wall. Over time, this kind of pattern took over the ability of showing gratitude. It became very easy to blame other people for every hurt I experienced.

I cannot deny my past, my past hurts, or my past failures. But I can choose to look beyond them, and as our favorite Disney song says, “LET IT GO!” Why is that so hard? I was recently out with friends, sitting at a restaurant bar. We had some fun and deep conversations about kids, life and relationships. The server, seeing how intense our conversation was, chimed in and so we shared some stories and he shared some advice. He looked at me, pointed and said, “You’ve been hurt, badly.” It was then that I realized I was living off the excuses of everything and everyone that has hurt me instead of living in grace and mercy, knowing that God knows my past, present and future. I don’t have to live in my past if I don’t want to.

So as my journey to the past continues, I am challenging myself to find my identity once again, and rebirth the person I once was, while at the same time using the life lessons that have come along the way. Because that is the person that people around me truly deserve to know. The one that is wiser than before, yet kind, forgiving and whole hearted because I am not living in my pain anymore. I will not worry about what pain might come tomorrow. I’m cleaning my life of all baggage that I have been carrying for probably the last 10 or so years. I am reclaiming my name, not as Marielis: the divorcee, single mom with a painful past. But as Marielis: the kind, faithful, thankful, life loving woman.

As I challenge myself, I challenge others as well. Maybe you have gotten lost in only being recognized as “Mommy”, maybe your career has engulfed you or maybe you’re like me and live through your past. Take some steps backwards, as bad as that sounds, it really is necessary to move forward. Find you again, find your worth, and you may find that you have a new name, a new purpose, and a new perspective.  And always remember that God created you to be greater than your pain and failures.

-Marielis, a work in progress